Worst Possible Outcome.

Written in Haste, May 14th, 2009

Ok. Let me start with a disclaimer to all mothers. Because I don't want to cause any offense. I've said it before and I'll say it again we women have different paths in life. Mine is a childless one. Your children or your baby bumps are phenomenal. Power to you. It's just when I personally think of having children I like there to be a paper bag within arms reach in cases of hyperventilation.

So now that that's out of the way we can talk about the worst fucking nightmare imaginable. Have y'all seen this show on TLC 'I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant'?

Basically what happens is a woman goes to the hospital with intense cramping thinking her appendix has ruptured or some simple bullshit and every fucking time a baby comes out. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? One woman, ok one woman! even sat down on the toilet to take a massive painful shit, turned back to look and a crying baby was staring back at her! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

TLC has got me believing I can't even take a shit now without the threat of a CHILD being the outcome? This is insane! This is worse than a home invasion. Because this thing has unknowingly invaded your body for 9 FUCKING MONTHS and now that you've found out about it it's crying in your arms and wants to be fucking fed! Fuck off with that shit.

The problem here, aside from the fact that one minute you're in abdominal pain and going to the hospital, the next thing you know you have a fucking kid. Explain that sick call to your boss. Ok but aside from that shock - what are you going to do with it? See a girl like me, finds out she's pregnant makes a phone call or two, it's over it's done and we all call it a day and go on about our childless lives. No one needs to know. Sweep that shit under the rug or put it on the shelf with all the other fucked up shit that make you a bad woman. Whatever, it's done.

But this! What are you going to do? You've got a child in your arms and 10 people clammered around you. Can you freak the dick out and beg to have it taken out of your sight? Is that kosher? Is "um, so ... how does adoption work?" ok to be the first thing that comes out of your mouth? Second only to "Fuck! Shit! Motherfucker! I want to diiieeee!"

You can't hide that shit from people! Everyone knows!

And what about your boyfriend? Because on the TLC show he's always panicked and clueless rushing around to help his woman with her cramping, shitting, abdominal issues and suddenly there's a fucking BABY. I mean at least if he wants no part of it - if you found out the normal way - he has a few weeks to convince you to let him kick you in the gut. At the very least leave you. What if you're totally into this baby fiasco and he's like "uh, I want no part of this." How utterly dreadful. Now you've gone into the hospital with what you thought was intense food poisoning and you've come out a single mother!

WORST POSSIBLE OUTCOME EVER. I'm never eating shellfish again!

I want to see me on this show. I want to see a young woman who freaks the fuck out and says "This can't be happening. No no. I have a meeting first thing tomorrow - get this shit out of my face! No. I ain't taking no fucking baby!" That's the reality tv I want to see.

Seriously. I keep baby testing in business single handedly. I'm already a fucking basket case when I think shit could be going sideways. Like the First Response commercials claims it can do - I want to know the MOMENT it happens. The moment that egg has been grazed, my hand is on fucking speed dial to the closest OBGYN within walking distance. After this show, I'm going to get gas while eating my salad too fast and think my fucking life is over.

Can't TLC do a show about normal nightmares that could happen in real life? Like a half an hour of people's teeth falling out? I could handle that easier than this. Worst show ever.